stark irritation

What does it feel like to be utterly frustrated? This feeling was outlandish until some time ago. But now-a-days, its all I feel. Its all that I am accompanied with. Wherever I go, frustration follows.

These days, I am in a state of stark irritation all the time. When someone asks me, “How am I doing?” I just want to give them a cold stare and ask why do they really care? I want to shout back at them, “I am bloody frustrated, please let me be?“

I do know deep inside that they are  not even remotely responsible for my present state of mind. They are just being too good. Too modest and humble (add all the other feelings). They have been enduring me while I struggle to sign a Pact of Peace with my nerdy head and my naive heart. But what do I do?

I do not wish you to understand it. I do not wish you to even try. If I have to tell you in little words what it feels like, it is something like this. I feel I am bound by invisible chains. Chains of frustration. My hands. Legs. Feet. Fingers. And I feel suffocated. I struggle to be let loose. To be free. And there he is. Standing. Watching me. Laughing at me. How cruel! How merciless!

No matter wherever I am these days, nothing seems satisfactory. I mean, I am just not being able to be determined with my thoughts. My actions. My habits. I constantly hop, skip and jump from one alternative to another. Accomplishing none. And end up being endlessly frustrated.

When I am reading, I want to write.

When I start to write, I want to listen to a music number I haven’t heard for long.

When I put the music on, I want to watch some movie I’ve wanted to watch in a while.

When I start with the movie, I want to leave it and go off to sleep.

There are so many things to do and my head and heart keep making it hell difficult to stick with one thing. How am I supposed to address everything at once? What can I do to do what I like and still be content doing it? Why can I not have my petulant mind a bit relaxed and firm on the decisions it makes? I am frustrated already. Lord save me!

Until sometime back, I didn’t know how it feels to feel shackled. Shackled by frustation. When someone would tell me they were frustrated, I would just blankly stare at them and pray for things to get better for them. But now, it is a relative feeling. I guess, I now know what I should’ve done then. I should’ve held their hand and listened to them while they poured their heart out to me. I should’ve tried to be more understanding. Said a few words to make them feel better. But I guess I can now. And I’ll try my most.

But this phase that I am dragging through. Is it just a tricky time? A time for trials? Or something else? As it bears me down. And I am disappointed in me. And I question myself, “Is this what I am reduced to now? An indecisive-self?”  Needless to point the pain it inflicts.

I wish that my days that are seemingly nights of sorrow turn brighter. I hope I am able to hang on to my strength. I hope I am able to keep up my faith. Against this dejection. Against this Frustration.